Self Grace vs Self Sabotage

In 2015 I was on a phone call with my first ever business mentor.

I was sharing with her some personal thoughts about my deep disappointment around a recent failure in my leadership that deeply affected my business and she responded,


"I think that you are missing out on some self grace here."


And she went on to paint the truth for me: I had NEVER attempted what I had just attempted. I had not once in my life ever built my own team to work with. I had never built a 6 figure business before. I had never been a mom of 4, working 30 hours a week building something that was changing our lives by the day. I had never.......... learned so much or served so many. I had never affected so many lives before. I had never.... attempted to live out my dreams. It seemed so slap me in the face that day. Of COURSE I would mess up! Of COURSE I would have to learn a few things on this path. Of COURSE I had to wade on the side of learning and testing before I was a master. I was beating myself up for something that I WANTED to have happen!


That day was the first time I heard the words, "Self Grace."

That day was the first time I understood what the business books talked about when they said that all leaders "fail forward." It was finally clicking in my brain that failures.... were necessary. My mentor, being a Christian, and knowing I was Christian as well, suggested the book,

"The Peacegiver" by James Ferrell.


I read that book and for those of you who are fellow Christians, this book helps unpack the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This book was the first understanding that I had that mistakes were part of the plan.... that mistakes are the product of agency. That mistakes, offer us the DATA to progress!!! That Jesus died that we might make mistakes needed to learn, and STILL HAVE COMPLETE JOY.

Try to wrap that up for Christmas and give it to humanity.


Ever since that book and those months of wrapping my head around this, I have been ENABLED.

I have been enabled to move forward in the face of adversity that I thought would consume my joy. I have been enabled to see one business dwindle and have courage to start another, and see it THRIVE. I have been enabled to see my husband struggle with an addiction and see his POWER through the struggle- and HONOR IT. I have been enabled to see family members with perfect love. I have been enabled to learn to let go of assumptions and only have preferences- allowing MAGIC to flow into my life. I have been enabled to understand FORGIVENESS is simply understanding human nature, and not blaming people for being human. I have been enabled to see MY OWN struggles, as GIFTS to learn and progress. I have been enabled to see that there is no such thing as FAILURES- only learning experiences that are there for us to discover more JOY as we move forward with the data and do better!


In 2016 I was diagnosed with a pregnancy complication called Placenta Accreta. Basically, the placenta, which is designed to attach to your uterine wall and create miraculous blood vessels to transmit vital blood, oxygen and nutrition to your baby grows too deeply into the uterine muscle. At birth, the placenta miraculously detaches causing a bit of bleeding, but through natural contractions of the uterus post-baby, the bleeding is slowed and stops after a few days. With Accreta, the placenta creates tunnel vesicles, which make it more of a tumor like connection, vs just a normal placenta implanting to the uterine wall. When the tumor like connection tries to come loose after birth, it actually tears the mother's uterine wall and the tunnel vesicles create free flowing blood, or a hemorrhage. 7% of mothers with Accreta will die during child birth from blood loss. Accreta can complicate further by actually growing past the uterine muscle, and into the uterine organ wall, and this is called Increta. If it actually grows past the uterus and into the abdominal cavity, it will adhere to the bladder, intestines, anything it can and this is called Percreta. A mother with any of these diagnoses cannot go into natural childbirth contractions or the mother and baby are in extreme likelihood of bleeding to death within minutes. The highest common factor among all Accreta cases is c-section births or other uterine surgery, causing a thinning of an area of the uterus from scar tissue, allowing the placenta to grow in such a fashion. This was my 5th child, and my 4th planned c-section.


I was on bed rest for 4 months after diagnoses and uterine hemorrhage at 18 weeks, and my Accreta developed into Increta. The accreta covered 60% of my uterus by 32 weeks gestation. My only option was to get my baby out alive early, and to get my uterus out with a team of 20+ specialized nurses, doctors and surgeons before any contractions and before it grew to other organs. I had to have my preemie baby 3.5 hours away from my home at a large hospital equipped to handle this level of trauma with an undetermined time of going home. I was told I'd have an incision from ribs to pubic bone and would likely lose vital ligaments in my lower ab region and groin. My baby was born at 34 weeks, delivered right under my ribs, bottom first.



As you can see if you follow me in Social Media or here on the blog--- I am here and thriving, and my preemie baby is thriving as well.


Before this pregnancy, I was at the PEAK of my physical fitness and had never experienced a personal trauma like this. I had never faced the real possibility of death, and believed it. This knowledge I was given of self grace- was pivotal to my mental survival as a mother, wife, and business owner after this life altering event.


“You’ll likely never do push-ups on your toes. You’ll likely never do sit ups. Just give yourself grace for what you’ve been through. Do your best, but give yourself time.” -doctor after doctor 2017

This morning I did two full minutes of push-ups on my toes during my online workout. The part about “give yourself grace for what you’ve been through...” has bugged me ever since it reached my ears.

I believe in self grace so hard- don’t misunderstand.

But that phrase has been abused by millions of people around the world. I see it daily. People eating chocolate in the closet “because gosh dang it I survived today with my kids.” People overeating “because heck- it’s my birthday!” People eating donuts and soda at 6am “because I have to be at work so dang early I need the boost!”

I had a client once reach out to me and tell me she was going to eat a candy bar because she needed a treat- because she was giving herself grace to be imperfect. I was blessed to have an open conversation with her regarding her interpretation of self grace, and she has told me that it has changed her life for the better.

That candy bar binge out of "self grace" for imperfection my friend- was NOT self grace. That was —-> self sabotage.



Grace allows for mistakes we didn’t see coming due to our ignorance or lack of experience.

Eating a candy bar in this context or over eating on your birthday or telling yourself the story that you NEED excess sugar and fat because you are SO overwhelmed or overworked or whatever you choose to be victim to is YOUR own conscious choice against what you know to be better. If you use any version of the language "I did {this action I know I should not do}, because I {deserve it/want it/need it}" due to a {hardship/struggle/disease/holiday} that means that you know what you are doing and why.

That’s not an action in need of grace. That’s just blatant self gratification and conscious health/body sabotage.

I’m not sugar coating anything.😏

Doing push-ups on my knees for 2 years when I used to be capable of doing them all on my toes, but had major life altering, life saving surgery was self grace.

After being diagnosed with pre-diabetes and insulin resistance due to overeating carbs and sugar... and realizing I was a closet eater and then eating all of my treats in the open and facing real change-----> allowing myself to feel real grief for the life I was leaving behind was self grace.

When I hurt one of my children deeply due to my misuse of language (somethings I've struggled with all my life) I was motivate to take charge of this and change.

Putting up signs in my kitchen with phrases of how to talk nicely to people in frustrating situations to help myself with something I am embarrassed I struggle with... and then having to uncomfortably tell my kids I struggle with this, proclaiming my shame and then moving forward in my discomfort AND being ok with that - was self grace. I was ok with being imperfect to progress.


Having self grace has been ENABLING for me to lose all the weight I gained on bedrest and through my post-trauma disorder and other struggles I have been gifted to learn from. Having self grace has enabled me to believe in my desire to help other dreamers with their food, their family flow and their spiritual energy so that they too, can progress through hard things, reach their goals to serve, AND FIND JOY.


This my friends is self grace.


This is what we are ALL able to grasp if we CHOOSE.


So I ask you-

Are you continuing in behavior you want to change due to a lack of self grace?


Or are you self sabotaging your progress in the name of grace?


Can I offer some insights that might help when you DO feel that you want to eat things or act a certain way because you DESERVE it instead of it truly serving your goals?


When you go out for your birthday to that amazing restaurant- consider who is there with you! Consider how much they LOVE YOU to take their time to be out with you, to celebrate YOUR LIFE. How do you want to show up for THEM? What memories do you want them to have of you on that day? Do you want to stuff yourself and feel bloated and foggy brained? Or do you want to feel full of vitality and have your mind be sharp to recall all the love and goodness that was brought to your life that night? What foods will you choose based on that ideal?


When you are overwhelmed by your work schedule or your children at home- realize first that overwhelm is a CHOICE you make. It is not thrown upon you like the need to call 911 because your stove spontaneously starts a fire. Overwhelm is a CHOICE, that we choose to describe our own lack of discipline for time and self preparation. I have days upon days when my kids are unruly and my house lacks order. But due to my self preparation through exercise, mediation, and pre-planning our meals and chore schedules- I have a foundation to help myself WIN at my goal of motherhood and entrepreneurship. I no longer have to have a chocolate stash in my closet to sarcastically joke about with my mom friends on social media. I just eat chocolate whenever I want. Which is almost every day. I don't need more than a bite and I'm good. My kids can see me eat it and they don't say anything. I have no food secret moments any more. If I'm finding myself in a bind food wise due to an early morning or late meeting and my meals are off and I'm hungry- I have invested in meal bars and meal shakes that are 100% natural and contain properly paired nutrition that go in my car and purse so that I don't have to compromise my health goals. I am CHOOSING to no longer be a victim to those types of 100% normal life experiences by investing in such things. I believe that physical and mental health are your financial freedom and the source of our highest joy and ability to serve, so I 100% do NOT compromise. If you ARE choosing overwhelm because of your kids due to them being out of school for the summer, click here and please read this Article and make them a chore chart and daily list and they will love it almost as much as you will.


When you experience a failure, or are turned down for promotion or another feeling that you are lacking- take time to take the emotion out of it and write down what is TRUE. What really were you trying to do? Were you an expert at it already? Or did you need to learn some things? Where you turned down because you truly aren't a candidate- you aren't good enough? Or could there be other opportunities that are in motion happening for an even higher good and opportunity for you? Do you still have the skills to go for it again? I believe there is NO SUCH THING as a once in a lifetime opportunity. Why do you feel you lack? You are the only one with your history, your skills, your unique perspective on life, your love for your kids, your admiration for your spouse, you are NEEDED by the world! Step boldly into it and SHINE YOUR LIGHT.




Take time to journal on this.

All my love and belief-

xo

Robyn

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